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Common Sense, of Lack Thereof
Composed with the help of Thomas Paine and Confucius
Note: A previous version of this statement was e-mailed and shared among several members of the Class of 2005, as well as members of the Cary Academy Faculty. This article has been edited, with an incorrect statement corrected, as well as additional information added. It has been suggested that this be a launching block for an independent newspaper, or an open letter to the administration. The author thanks all for their suggestions, but has decided, at the present moment, that this will remain exactly what it was written to be: a piece of satire reflecting sufferings of the junior class in the first part of the first trimester of this year. This does not preclude future commentaries and campaigns, as the author has not yet put away her soapbox.
The end of September is drawing nigh, and students in the junior class at Cary Academy have certainly learned some invaluable lessons about punishments from other times and other cultures. Students in Mr. Hall’s second period Advanced American History course learned about the disciplinary tactics in Puritan schools, when the Rod of Correction shattered in front of a student when it was hit on the desk in front of him. This attempt at clearing the room of foolishness accomplished the opposite of its intentions, causing great hysteria to break out in the room.
More effectively, the male population of the Class of 2005 learned first-hand about the ancient Chinese legalism system, where the group is punished for the action of an individual. Some genus made prank phone calls to the rooms of female students and teachers both nights of the trip. As a result, the males were forced to march out of their rooms and sit silently in the hall for five minutes before they were allowed to return to their rooms for an unknown interval of time, before the knock came again on the door, beckoning them back into the hall. This punishment continued until 2:30 AM. This specific punishment was undoubtedly chosen to educate these students in another ancient Chinese custom, the psychological nature of water torture. “I think this experience was a lesson about Chinese culture,” commented one unnamed Cary Academy junior. “I mean, since we have so much white ignorance at this school.” For more information about white ignorance, visit www.blackpeopleloveus.com.
The students of the Class of 2005 have also learned important lessons about why America declared independence from Britain. After the class returned from its trip with no further mishap, the administration re-enacted the righteous justice of admiralty courts, when approximately twenty male students who were of “suspicious character” were summoned to Mrs. Wuthrich’s office and assigned three hours of community service. These names were supplied to her by extremely reliable confessions given by female students in the class, and by tossing effigies into Lake Crabtree to see if they float. In protest to this, students threw away some of their un-drunken tea at lunch. This pronouncement was revoked and simply classified as a “misunderstanding,” as it is perfectly acceptable and very likely that twenty students of intellect suitable to Cary Academy’s standards would “misinterpret” this incident in the same manner. The class soon returned to status quo ante callus prankus.
It is important to note that students are protected by virtual representation, since the Judicial Board and Student Council have tremendous say and always are able to represent the best interests of the class. These representatives are the voice of the students to the administration, and give unfailing, uncensored, and noticed opinions and feedback. As luck would have it, by sheer mistake, the applications for students interested in running for Student Council were not e-mailed to the class until late Thursday night. The Cary Academy Debate Team, whose members include a number of previous Student Counselor representatives, departed for the first debate tournament early Friday, and did not return until late Sunday. Platforms were to be given to Mrs. Wuthrich by the following Monday at noon. Several debaters turned their homework in late and spent the following week making up tests they missed. With this the case, these students were incapable of sending in their platforms. As a result, none of the four candidates running for the three seats available to the junior class in Student Council have served on it before. The author of this document is in no way offering opinion or doubt about the capabilities of these candidates to perform aptly in Student Council, but it is felt that candidates with prior experience should at least have a fair chance to prepare a solid platform and run for a position.
Talking to the class’s Student Council representatives is the absolutely most effective and reliable way to bring up issues students feel they are facing, to make up the forbiddance of a public forum where students may voice their opinions on topics that affect them. Three students, with opinions they wanted to be made public felt they had no choice but to send out mass e-mails to the class stating these. As a result, their highly prized e-mail privileges were revoked for two students for a period of one week, and the third lost these privileges for four weeks: one for sending a mass e-mail, two for using profanity, and the fourth for his tone of voice in a previous e-mail sent to administrators in regards to the school becoming equipped with a tether ball pole five weeks before his mass e-mail to the eleventh grade.
The election for representatives, which is in the tradition of a highly prized American value, is not being conducted in an anonymous manner. Instead, students are expected to tell their votes to Mrs. Wuthrich via e-mail. The three students who voiced their opinion in this manner are to vote (as anonymously as possible with three votes) on paper. Members of the junior class have undertaken a campaign for all prospective voters to protect their rights, and the rights of the sanctioned students, to privacy by hand writing their ballots.
The ACLU has been approached for help, has announced its objections, and is in the process of applying to Federal Court for the entire election to just be cancelled. “If one person cannot have his say, then nobody should,” a representative said in a press conference.
“This just goes to show that history repeats itself," said one unnamed student, "Oh no, does that mean we're going to have to go through history class again?" If so many threats have already accumulated thus far in the school year, when midterm grades have not even been submitted yet, one can only imagine other injustices will take place during the remainder of the 2003-2004 school year.